HOSTILE AGGRESIVE PARENT

HAP stands for Hostile Aggressive Parenting and is a severe form of mental and emotional abuse often used in separation and custody cases to allign the child or children involved against the other parent. This behavior stems from a bully and often abusive partner who no longer has control over the other person. The child(ren) are often the only weapons they have against their partner and a last ditch effort to regain control over the other person's life.

Forms of Hostile Aggressive Parenting include:

* Alienating the child from the other parent
* Not involving the other parent in life affecting decisions of the child.
* Limiting contact between the other parent and the child and/or supervising visitations and communications with the child without a court order.
* Creating a hostile environment during visitation and/or trying to control how the other parent spends their time with the child.
* Using threats or enticements to persuade a child to say or write hurtful things to the other parent.
* Making degrading or diminitive comments about the other parent to the children or in front of the child.
* Making false accusations about the other parent.
* Threatening the child or otherwise persuading the child to alledge false accusations.
* Actively trying to denegrate the role of the other parent in the life of the child.

Hostile Aggressive Parenting is often used by parents that have severe control issues, abusive personalities or histories of abuse, codependency, and that view the child as yet another means to control the life and inflict harm on the other parent. They view the child as a possession rather than as a little human being. The damage this behavior leaves in a child's emotional and mental growth is staggering.

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What is Hostile Aggressive Parenting?

Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is defined as : A general pattern of behaviour, manipulation, actions or decision-making of a person (usually a parent or guardian) that either directly or indirectly; 1) creates undue difficulties or interferences in the relationship of a child with another person (usually a parent or guardian) involved with the parenting and/or rearing of the child and/or, 2) promotes or maintains an unwarranted unfairness or inequality in the parenting arrangements between a child’s parents and/or guardians and/or, 3) promotes ongoing and unnecessary conflict between parents and/or guardians which adversely affects the parenting, well-being and rearing of a child.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is most apparent in child-custody disputes and is used most often as a tool to align the child with one of the parents during litigation over custody or control of the child. However, HAP can be present in almost any situation where two or more people involved in a child’s life are at odds with each other over how a child may be raised or influenced by the parties. HAP can be present to some extent even when couples are still living together.

Although Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is often confused with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Dr. Richard Gardner, HAP and PAS are not the same. HAP refers to the behaviours, actions and decisions of a person, whereas, PAS relates to the psychological condition of the child. In the vast majority of cases HAP is the cause of PAS.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is not limited to the biological parents but also applies to any guardian - grandparents, extended family members, daycare providers and to any other person who may be involved in caring and rearing of a child. In some cases, it may even involve a parent in dispute with the child’s grandparents, sometimes the parent’s very own parent! Any form of interference to a normal, healthy relationship between a child and a person (most often one of the parents) caused by another person or agency having some control or influence over the child, is wrong and ultimately causes emotional and psychological harm to the child. Throughout this document the word “parent” shall be considered synonymous with “guardian”.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is a very serious and damaging form of abuse and maltreatment that parents and even other family members can engage in. HAP is most often identified in individuals with controlling and bullying personalities or those with mild to severe personality disorders. HAP can be a factor in all types of parenting arrangements including sole maternal custody, sole paternal custody and joint custody. Interestingly, it is sole custodial parents who are most often reported to practice Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting, especially in its most severe form.

In general, parents exhibiting Hostile-Aggressive-Parenting have not succeeded in getting on with their own life and remain, instead, controlled by their negative emotions and continue to exercise power and control over their ex-spouse's life, their ex-spouse's parenting and to a large extent, over the children of the relationship as well. HAP parents will blame everyone else except themselves.

High degrees of conflict during custody settlements and litigation are almost sure signs in these affected families. Hostile-aggressive parents are unable to appreciate the needs of their child and in many cases view their child as a possession belonging to them and no other persons have any right to the child, especially not the child’s other parent or other persons that the HAP parent does not like. Hostile-aggressive parents will use the child as a weapon against the other spouse and family members whenever they have the opportunity. A parent engaged in Hostile-Aggressive Parenting will also take comfort in that the community in general will choose not to get involved, probably because they don’t know what to do. Angry and vindictive HAP parents are often able to bring a reign of terror and revenge on to a non-custodial parent and their family, their goal being to get them out of the child’s life or at the very least to severely damage their child’s relationship with the other parent and other parent’s family.

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is considered by many health care and legal experts unhealthy, anti-social, abusive behaviour which is emotionally damaging and contrary interest of a child. Simply stated, it is dysfunctional parenting, emotional child abuse parent who is the target of Hostile-Aggressive Parenting, a form of discrimination.

Symptoms of Hostile Aggressive Parenting

Hostile-Aggressive Parenting (HAP) generally can be categorized into three levels, the first being “moderate” (the most common) and the second being “severe” and the third being “critical.” Identifying the behaviors of hostile-aggressive parents is the first step to determining the category and deciding on the necessary corrective actions to be taken.The majority of hostile-aggressive parents falls into the moderate category. Parents in this category are often able to keep their abusive parenting behavior from being noticed to any great extent by others or they manage to keep it at a level that others will likely turn a blind eye to it. In the severe category, the abusive parenting is more conspicuous, with others in the community being able to identify many of the symptoms. The risk of harm to a child is greater in the serious category than with the items considered as being moderate. The campaign of a hostile-aggressive parent in the severe category may be almost continual. In the severe category there may be frequent intervention by police and other support agencies as well as open defiance to court custody and access orders. Many of these parents have become quite bold, confident as they are that the system does little to establish consequences for their actions.

In the “critical” category, most people would consider this behavior highly abnormal and even dangerous to the well-being of a child. Intervention is usually required immediately

There are a minority of parents, however, whose Hostile-Aggressive Parenting is so chronic and deep-seated that they may be considered fanatical. Often parents in this category may suffer from emotional or psychological disorders. It is in this category that the hostile-aggressive parent’s behavior towards the friendly parent and the child is likely to be alarming. The hostile parent may utilize a wide variety of hostile and aggressive tactics designed to make life difficult for the friendly parent and to disrupt their child’s relationship with the friendlier parent. The rationalization that the hostile-aggressive parent uses to justify their behavior becomes more frivolous & absurd as the degree of HAP progresses. The hostile-aggressive parent describes the other parent as all bad and attempts to program his or her hate of the other parent into the child in what is described by health care professionals as “Parental Alienation.”

Symptoms of Severe Hostile Aggressive Parenting
Use excessive physical discipline on their children.
A significant number of HAP parents will use excessive physical discipline bordering assault when disciplining their children. Some children have reported being slapped, pushed around and roughly handled.
Openly violate court orders and agreements, especially in relation to parenting time
HAP parents will ignore or challenge the authority of almost any court when it comes to parenting time – if they believe that they can get away with it. Hostile-Aggressive parents will constantly look at ways in which to deprive the other parent/guardian of time with the children and will challenge the resolve of the court to correct it. This is most commonly referred to as “access denial.”
Tell the child that the other parent is not their biological parent
An HAP parent will sometimes resort to telling a child that the other parent is not their biological parent. Sometimes this may even be true. However, the HAP parent will cause further emotional abuse to the child by disclosing this to the child at the time of separation in order to make the child believe that they really do not belong to the other parent and that the other parent cannot love them as much because the other parent is not a real parent. Often this strategy is used by a parent when they are trying to invoke parental alienation into the child
Fabricate false sexual or physical abuse allegations against the other parent involving the children
HAP parents in the severe category will often go so far as to make false sexual or physical abuse allegations which can devastate the other parent. Often HAP parents will claim that the child is “afraid” of the other parent. HAP parents will call police and child welfare protection officials with their fabricated stories, knowing that an investigation often will result in the other parent losing contact with the child for extended periods of time until an investigation is complete.
Force their child to see the other parent under supervised access when there really is no need for supervision
Some HAP parents will use every dirty trick in the book, especially false allegations to force their child to have to visit with the other parent in a very restricted supervised setting. Some HAP parents will even try to force children over the age of eight to visit with their other parent in a supervised facility. The HAP parent uses the supervised access as a form of punishment to the other parent and also as a way to get the child to not want to go to the supervised access center as most of the supervised facilities are very boring for children above the age of eight.
Not allow the child to be with or to communicate with the other parent on Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, birthdays and other special occasions
The HAP parent will ignore special days and discourage the child from showing respect for the other parent. Some children may actually wish to communicate with their other parent but are afraid to mention this to their HAP parent who most likely is the custodial parent.
Allege that the non-custodial parent is responsible for the children’s behavior and emotional problems when the children are with the custodial parent Often children under the control of a custodial HAP parent will exhibit serious behavior problems. They may fight with the HAP parent continuously. The HAP parent will then allege that these behaviors are as a result of the non-custodial parent’s actions and allege that the non-custodial parent is brainwashing the children. HAP parents will attempt to defect any blame on to others in order to hide their HAP behaviors
Instruct the child’s school not to provide information or report cards to the other parent and/or attempt to keep the other parent from attending school activities or events Although major research studies have shown that involvement of parents at the child’s school, especially non custodial parents, can be beneficial to the child’s performance at school, HAP parents will use every trick they can to keep the other parent out of their child’s school life. Most commonly, HAP parents will call school officials and tell them that the other parent is not allowed to see the child at any time while the child is at school.

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